scot brewer
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Arrrrgh...the Ultimate Pirate
photo by kevin cooper
Pirate's Guides
These fanzines were made by my friend Scot from Australia. There are more but he is always travelling so I only have the Vancouver one right now. Word on the street is that there is a Pirate's Guide to crossing the US border in the works and also a Guide to New York. Arrrrrr!!!
A Pirate's Guide To Vancouver
or
How To Become A Pirate In Ten Easy Steps
By
Blackie Heath & Captain Bruiser Mckenzie
This book is meant to be a guide enabling you to become a pirate in this beautiful city
By following the easy steps located within you will find yourself that mecca of cooldom...
A PiRATE aaaaaaargh.
STEP ONE.
Find a ship
This can be your car, best because then you are the captain. If you are without a car a public bus is possible, if you be a real pirate you will commandeer the public bus. If you live near Tsawassen may we suggest the ferry?
STEP TWO.
Find a crew
Here is where the bus comes in handy. It contains a readymade crew...and helmsman! Of course your friends may do which can be good as they are more likely to follow you on step three...
STEP THREE.
Meet regularly
Preferably somewhere piratey or nautical. May we suggest the fish tank in Chapters on the corner of Granville and Broadway? Or perhaps Benny's Cafe with lots of wood and ships and chandeliers? Once there partake in step four...
STEP FOUR.
Drink rum...
BY THE BARREL!!!
STEP FiVE.
Smoke Tobacco
Preferably from a pipe. However "Death" cigarettes can be allowed if they are successfully smuggled across the border in your ship. Death cigarettes are the ones with the skull and crossbones on them (the packet AND each cigarette!)
STEP SiX.
Get a parrot
Or something that can sit on your shoulder and make noise. I worked with a chef once who had a Siamese cat that did this, it was called Costa. The chef also wore a bandana. A true pirate.
Take note!
STEP SEVEN.
Look the part
Re-assess your wardrobe, if you don't already have, next time you shop, buy:
Striped Shirts -- Gold Hooped Earring
Bandanas -- Pirate Hat -- Eye Patch
Jewels -- Lots of Keys -- a Hook
(for instead of your hand silly!)
STEP EiGHT.
Sound the part
Change your vocabulary. Here are some examples:
Hey = Rrrrr!
Money = Bullion
Shall we leave, dude? = We sail now matey?
Beautiful girl = Siren
Oh, and combine them;
Hey, shall we leave now, beautiful girl? = Rrrr, we sail now, siren?
STEP NiNE.
Find these things
A cannon (isn't there one in Stanley Park?) A sextant (who needs a map book to get around?) Muskets (in case yee be challenged to a duel, matey!) A hammock (to sleep off the rum.) A treasure map (where X marks the spot.) Shantys (to sing with yee fellow drunken shipmates.)
STEP TEN.
Be on your way
You are ready. Take the streets in song. Be obediant pirates for remember, if yee do anything wrong, yee be made to walk the plank!
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
A Knock Yr. Socks off Publication c.1999
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